So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
