His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Boobs are out for the taking
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
