I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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