WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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