I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
