I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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