Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
