Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
