Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
