Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
