made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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