I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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