Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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