Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
