i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
