I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
