The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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