Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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