We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
