i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
