i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
