I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize