Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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