my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize