mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize