Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
