Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
