I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize