Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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