Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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