I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
