I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize