see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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