I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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