my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
