R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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