dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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