So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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