yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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