life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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