Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize