thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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