I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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