I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
