He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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