her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Are we still banned from the library?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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