saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
