there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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