Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
