I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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