your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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