I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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