dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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