easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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