I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
