Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
