do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
