On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
