I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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