There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
