and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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