just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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