He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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