Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
