theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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