ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize