I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
