I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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