Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
