I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
