I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
