Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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